Blank Stares, Pudding and Fangirl Shrieks
by Peggy Sawyer
Summary: A total spoof on OotP! Anyone who's a fan of POA in 15 minutes and the spoofs on JerryTheFrog will love this hilarious out-take on the 5th movie. A must read, if you want to laugh your wand off! -PS


Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

(In 15 minutes)

Water-Deprived England

The WB sign: -is ominous-

The grass: -is yellow-

Harry: I'm so utterly alone in this world.

Fans: You've just realized this now?

Dudley: DUDE! My absence in movie 4 has turned me all gangster and what-not!

Fans: Aw look, he acquired friends too.

Ominous clouds: -swirl ominously-

Foreshadowing: -looms-

Harry: Quick! Lets go hide in the conveniently located underpass! Nothing evil or scary can find us in there!

Dementor: I'm evil and scary.. And I've found you.

Harry: -gurgle-

Wand: I BANISH YE, HEATHEN!

Patronus: -delivers magicalish beatdown-

Dementors: -are propelled out of the underpass-

Dudley: -mutters incoherently-

Ms. Figg: Please excuse my abrupt appearance, but I have to escort you home so nothing evil and scary can find you again.

First-timers: WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?! WE DON'T REMEMBER YOU FROM THE LAST FOUR MOVIES!!

Fans: -eyeroll-

Ms. Figg: Go in your house and act like nothing's wrong, mmk?

Harry: Wha-?

Number 4, Privet Drive

Aunt Petunia: OMG WTF, MY BABY!!

Uncle Vernon: -has the coolest socks this side of England-

Dudley: He did it.

Harry: Why is it always me?!

Owl: -smashes into ceiling- I feel like this is an ongoing pun from movie to movie...

Letter: Busting the asses of underprivileged students since 1705.

Fans: OMG, WTF, THAT'S NOT A HOWLER!! ONLY HOWLERS CAN TALK!!

First-timers: -eyeroll-

Harry: -unleashes the poundage of post-expulsion teenage angst-

Harry's dream: Ok everyone! You can break out the tissues now!!

Dream Cedric: -is sex on legs-

Girl fans: -FANGIRLSHRIEK-

Mysterious Ticking Noise: -comes from downstairs-

Puppet Pals: "Singing our song, all day lo-"

Audience: SHHH!

Moodey: Here I am to save the day. Again.

First timers: B-but, you were - with the box -?

Kingsley: -is shrouded in coolness-

Moodey: Precautions, precautions, precautions!

Tonks: Psh, my hair is too good for this movie.

Brooms: -appear out of nowhere-

The flying scene: -is awesome-

Grimmauld Place

Moody: So here we are, at the secret headquarters to our secret order, which is too top-secret to discuss. We're all going to secretly magician ourselves into the house via my obscenely cool walking stick.

Harry: So... what about -?

Moodey: SHHH!!

Grimmauld Place: -magically grows out of no where-

Kingsley: In you go, Harry.

Muffled voices: -mumbleFORSHADOWINGmumble-

Mrs. Weasley: Harry! Hug!

Harry: Who's in the kitchen?

Mrs. Weasley: NO time for chat! Go upstairs, now!

Kreature: I'm waaaaaay cooler than Dobby.

Hermione: -BESTFRIENDHUG-

Hr/H Shippers: YAY!!

Hermione: As the brainiac heroine of the series, I already know everything you went through, Harry.

Ron: And I'm just here to look pretty and innocent.

Harry: -BROODSORROWANGST-

Fred and George: -pop out of nowhere-

Girl fans: THE SEXINESS HAS LANDED!

Fred: As always, we will provide the comic relief and the diabolical scheming of this movie -

George: - as well as the perfected knack of finishing each other's sentences!

Fred: Oh yeah, and we invented stuff too.

The Spindly Staircase

Extendible Ear: -is actually in this movie-

Mrs. Weasley and Sirius: -bickerHarryswellbeingbicker-

Ginny: -is not a little girl anymore-

Male fans: DAAAAMMNNNNNNNN, SHE FINNEEEEEEE!!

Girl fans: -mumblegrumble-

Crookshanks: Forget human-rats, I'm into human ears now!

George: Damn you devil!

Mrs. Weasley: Get into the kitchen before I keel over and die of a heart attack from all you kids.

Sirius: -gives Harry a fatherly hug-

Audience: AWWWW!!

The Spindly Kitchen

Crookshanks: -licks lips-

Fred: -grumblegrumble-

Newspaper: Suck it Potter.

Lupin: BlahBlahBackstory.

Sirius: BlahBlahForeshadowing.

Harry: Wait, so there's an anti-Voldemort group? Sign me up!!

Mrs. Weasley: Sorry, Harry, you're too young to give Voldemort the beatdown.

JK Rowling: Mwahahaa!! I'm the KING of ironic foreshadowing. Erm... I mean QUEEN.

London Underground

Mr. Weasley: Trains! Escalators! Underground! Ingenious!

Harry: -exasperated sigh-

Fans: Hey, it's better than the rubber duck line in Movie 2..

The Ministry Of Magic

- Mr. Weasley and Harry take a shuttle telephone booth into the Ministry of Magic and are whisked away by the crowd -

Fudge's portrait: -is the spawn of Napoleon and Hitler-

Mr. Weasley: Well, we're screwed, they've conveniently changed the time of you hearing, Harry.

Department of Mysteries: Remember me, audience members, I'm important to the plot!

Lucious Malfoy: And that me and Fudge are buddy-buddy, that's important too.

The Hearing

Random Juror: So... is anyone going to explain why half of us are wearing black and the other half are wearing maroon?

Fudge: Harry, we will be -cough GUILTY cough- giving you a -cough GUILTY cough- fair trial.

Dumbledore: Fear me, ingrates!

Fudge: Ptptpt.. Ok, whatever, he's still guilty.

Harry: But-but-but - It was self-defense!

Fudge: So? You don't have a witness, so your story can't be true.

Dumbledore: Funny you should mention that..

Ms. Figg: -waves-

First-timers: Aha! She's good for something!!

Ms. Figg: Blast me and my simple-minded stupidity!

First-timers: -face-palm-

Umbridge: My cough is legend!

Dumbledore: Damn the incrimination of underprivileged students!

Fudge: Voldemort's not back - get over it.

Dumbledore: Yes he is - get over it.

Fudge: I'M THE CREATOR OF THE LAWS, WHAT I SAY GOES!

Dumbledore: Time for some major guilt smackdown!

Jurors: We cannot withstand the power of guilt!

Fudge: GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY!!

Everyone else: OVERRULED!

Audience and Harry: YAY!

Dumbledore: -totally gives Harry the cold shoulder-

Harry: Ack! Dumbledore doesn't love me any more! -broodsorrowbrood-

King's Cross Station

Sirius: Screw being locked away in some spindly old house! I'm going to see my godson off to school if it's the last thing I do!

Moody: Everyone knows you can turn into a big black dog, you idiot.

Tonks: -huffhuff- My outfit is too good for this movie.

Sirius: -magicalishtransform-

Harry: YO! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! DO YOU WANT TO GET CAUGHT?! ARE YOU STUPID?!

Sirius: Chill son, it's all good.

Harry: But I don't wanna lose the only family I have..

Fans: -cry-

Sirius: Eh, I'll risk your sanity - anyways, I have something cool to show you.

Harry: This couldn't wait 'till Christmas?

Sirius: Nah, it's important to the plot!

Picture: -losta smiles-

Sirius: So yeah, most of the people in this picture are either dead, crazy or burdened.

Harry: Um, is there foreshadowing embedded somewhere in this conversation?

Sirius: Nope! Not at all!

JKR: -diabolical laughter-

Harry: Well that's just great, another thing I can add to my growing list of things to brood about.

Voldemort: Don't forget meeeee!

Harry: Damn you! Stay out of my dreams!

Some Shadowy Glade That Hasn't Been In The Last 4 Movies

Malfoy: This is my only real line in the movie!

Harry: -major flip-out #1-

Ron: -comes to the rescue-

Cho: HARRY! -fangirlshriek-

Girl Fans: -grumblemenacingly-

Harry: Hm, maybe teenage hormones are something to live for...

Neville: -has finally gone through puberty-

Cactus thing: -twitches-

Thestril: -evilsnort-

Harry: ACK! THE BLACK APOCALYPSE HORSE! THIS MUST BE THE END OF THE WORLD!

Hermione: That's it, he's finally cracked.

Thestril: Only special people can see me.

Luna: FYI to all you fans - I'm not acting at all.

Hermione: Please allow me to make a total ass of myself and insult you to your face.

Luna: -blankstare- Who are you?

Ron: -is uncomfortable-

Luna: Hmm.. Pudding...

Harry: She may be all sorts of freaky, but Confucius says she's going to be the only one who understands me in this movie!

David Yates: Not that I'm going to make a point of it or anything..

Scrumptious Looking Feast

Luna: PUDDING!

Seamus: Harry has cooties!

Dumbledore: Apparently I have only one costume throughout this film.

Umbridge: -death by massive amounts of pink-

Snape: Ack! It burns!

Dumbledore: So anywa -

Umbridge: -RUDEINTERUPTION-

Hermione: What a bitch.

Umbridge: -FORESHADOWPLOTLINE-

Students: ...

Umbridge: -BABBLEINTERFIERINGBABBLE-

Students: ...

Umbridge: -UTTERNONSENCE-

Students: ...

Ron: Is that hat really necessary?

Harry: Right?!

Hermione: You idiots, didn't you listen to the hidden message behind all of that pink?

Ron and Harry: ...

Hermione: Imbecils..

Gryffindor Tower

-The Gryffindor Tower has been turned into the "We Hate Harry Potter Committee"-

Harry: Goddammit..

Seamus: It is YOUR FAULT that my mum is a nutcase!

Harry: Whatever, I never liked you anyway.

Ron: -comes to the rescue again-

Harry: Leave me alone to my torturous dreams!

Ron: Fine, whatever.

Harry: You know, Ron, the sight of you watching me while I sleep is somehow scarier than the dream itself.

Umbridge's Classroom of Doom

Origami bird: -flutters happily-

Umbridge: THERE WILL BE NO HAPPINESS IN THIS CLASS!

Origami bird: -dies-

Patil twins: Yo, what gives?!

Umbridge: Hello cronies - I mean children. Are you ready to be victims of mindless brainwashing?

Hermione: Excuse me, but you are so not going to interfere with my ever-growing IQ.

Harry: Yeah, and I have a date with some evil psycho at the end of this movie, so I need some knowledge in my brain.

Umbridge: I WILL remain the sole dictator of this joint!

Harry: Your methods of teaching are wack.

Umbridge: Your lies of some demented murderer coming back to kill us all are wack!

Harry: Um.. I have evidence and a witness.

Umbridge: LIES!

Audience: We'll testify for you, Harry!

Umbridge: SCREW YOU ALL!

Audience: BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Harry: I think all that pink you're wearing has messed with your brain.

Umbridge: HOW DARE YOU DEFILE MY FASHION SENSE! I SENTENCE YOU TO DETENTION!

Harry: - glowerglare -

Umbridge's Sickeningly Pink Office Of Doom

Kitten #1: We are cute and cuddly.

Kitten #2: Don't be fooled, we're actually somewhat relative to the climax.

Umbridge: Hm.. My tea needs more pink..

Harry: Your office scares me.

Umbridge: Just for that, I'll be sure to give you an extra 10 minutes of lines.

Harry: Lines?! Pshh, I've faced worse.

Quill: I CUT-ITH YOU!

Harry: You're effing sick.

Umbridge; - innocent smile -

Audience: We just wanna smack the pink out of her.

Gryffindor Tower

- Has been turned into a British teenage haven-

Fred: As part of our wild and scheming trouble-making -

George: - we've invented these Skiving Snackboxes -

Fred: - candy that makes you too sick for class!

George: It includes the greatest of illnesses and symptoms -

Fred: -such as nosebleeds!

George: Fever!

Fred: Measles!

George: Vomiting!

Fred: Fainting!

George: And the ever popular toothache!

Sick kid: Um, can I leave now?

Ron: Pretty pleeeeeaaaassseeeeeee help me, Hermione? I promise I won't ask you for anything in the next five minutes!

Hermione: Aw, your lost puppy-dog look is too cute to resist.

Girl Fans: ISN'T IT?

Harry: -angstmoodybrood-

- Hermione asks Harry what's wrong with his hand and he stomps away in a hormonal tirade -

Hermione: Fine, whatever bitch, we hate you too.

Hagrid's Deserted Hut

Harry: Goddam it, Hagrid! Why aren't you home yet?!

- Harry sees a Thestril flying happily over yonder and follows to where it lands -

Luna: Hm.. Pudding..

Harry: Dude, it's like negative 30 degrees out here and you're not wearing shoes or socks?

Luna: Methinks the Nargles took them and hid them from me.

Harry: -blankstare-

Baby Thestril: I'm actually kinda cute.

Luna: Well, he doesn't like the apple, think he'll want some pudding?

Harry: Something tells me not.

Baby Thestril: FOOD! -gobblegobble-

Luna: You'll soon learn that my abrupt babbling actually makes a heck of a lot of sense.

Harry: Wait.. Is this the part where you become my only friend while everyone else turns against me?

Luna: No, that was the last movie, darling.

Harry: Oh shit..

Luna: Here, have some pudding.

The Great Hall

Hermione: Do you ever stop eating?

Ron: I'm hungry!

Nothing: -is funnier than that-

Harry: -awkward apologetic stare-

Hermione: Aw, you're awkward apologies are just too cute to say no too.

Girl Fans: Right?!

McGonagall: Wow, we're so pissed at each other that we're on a first name basis.

Umbridge: YOU SHALL NOT DEFY ME!

- Random newspaper clippings show Umbridge as the reincarnation of Hitler -

Students: We hate her.

Fred and George: And when we hate someone, you KNOW something's up.

Trealawny: She makes me uncomfortable.

Umbridge: Methinks it's time for you to leave then, dearie.

Dumbledore: Methinks not.

Umbridge: That's ok, I'm granted all the power by the beginning of the climax anyway.

Dumbledore: -cold-shoulder #2-

Harry: Oh whatever, I can always go and cut myself in some girl's haunted toilet if he doesn't wanna talk to me.

Gryffindor Tower

Hermione: I am officially flustered.

Ron: I've had four years experience with this girl to know when to keep my mouth shut when she's on a tirade.

Radio: And for all of you Hogwarts's students - an update: we're blaming the non-existent war on Sirius Black. Gasps, horrors and shock.

Fiery Sirius: Speak of the devil.

Harry: WTF?!

Fiery Sirius: So anyways, the Minister is extremely self-conscious and believes you're all out to get him and Voldemort is still out to get you, Harry.

Harry: Surprise, surprise, now can you tell us something really important about the war? Like WHAT THE HELL WE SHOULD DO?!

Fiery Sirius: Sorry! Gotta go!

Hermione: Now it's my turn to be all foreshadowy.

Ron: You know, in that light you look so pretty - I MEAN, you look like you're on the verge of a brilliant plan.

Hermione: Of course I am! Oh, Haaaaarrrrryyyyyyyyy!

Harry: I'm not gonna like it, am I?

Dingy Hogshead

Harry: Nope, I don't like it.

Ron: Well look on the bright side -

Harry: There is no bright side in my life, Ron.

Hermione: I guess now would be a bad time to mention I've got horrible people skills.

Ron: I got you're back, darling.

Kid: I'm just a selfish, skeptic, pig.

Harry: And I'm not going to waste my time on little snotrags like you when I could be off brooding.

Luna: My pudding had an extra dose of intelligence this morning!

Hermione: Bless her and her unusualness.

Luna: -blankstare- Who are you?

Neville and Dean: We love Harry too!

Ginny: And I - well, never mind..

Harry: Gah! I'm not used to all this kindness!

Cho: Don't worry, Harry, it won't last long.

Snowey Bridge

Harry: Well, we have supporters - get me a place to put them in and I may go for it.

Hermione: Yay! Breaking the rules is fun!

Ron: Marry me.

Hr/R Shippers: YAY!!

Hermione: And I foresee love in Mr. Potter's future as well - not that I approve of fortune-telling or anything.

Ginny: -grumblegrumble-

Hogwarts

Neville: I'm so misunderstood..

Room of Requirement: Aw, I take pity on the unfortunate, come in here and cry you're little eyes out.

Hermione: Wow, Neville, you actually did something right!

Ron: No matter what the situation is, I'm always able to crack some sort of inappropriate or otherwise embarrassing joke.

Hermione: Ugh, you're such a pig.

Hr/R Shippers: Well, there goes the marriage plans..

Harry: Ok, you've convinced me, when do we start practicing?

Hermione: In the next frame!

Room of Requirement

Neville: Man, why do I have to be the first one to face the scarey wooden Death Eater?

Spell: -doesn't work-

Neville: -sigh- I'll never be as amazing as you, Harry.

Harry: That's not creepy at all..

- Meanwhile, Umbridge continues dictating, completely oblivious to the rebellion growing around her-

Hermione: You're ignorance toward magical learning has brought out the cheekiness in me, you magenta puff ball of sickening tweed!

-The D.A. finds clever means of escape and entrance into the Room of Requirement, all the while thwarting Filtch -

Harry: -is the best teacher ever-

Girl: Can we be taught next?!

Nigel: -has the power of ten Nigels, plus two-

Shorter fans: YAY FOR SHORT PEOPLE!

Filtch: -hatches his ultra-secret and ingenious plan-

Filtch: I am not leaving this spot in front of the invisible door until I catch a student!

Ron: A duel? With a girl? Pshhhhhh, easy-peasie.

Fred: I'm so sure Ron's going to win, I'm willing to bet on it.

Ron: Don't worry, my love! I shall do thee no -

Hermione: Oh shut it, you bloody twat.

Ron: -is owned-

George: Ha! I win!

Hermione: Don't ever underestimate the power of the braniac heroine!

Ron: -babbles embarrassingly-

The students: -continue thwarting Filtch-

Filtch: DAMN YOU ALL!

Umbridge: -sigh- Looks like I have to take matters into my own hands.

Cho: This isn't going to turn out good for me, is it?

-Umbridge begins to question the students while Harry still teaches, oblivious to Umbridge's attempts to dismantle the teenage rebellion -

Harry: -grabs Cho's hand-

Cho: -fangirl shriek-

Nigel: -falls on his face-

Harry: You're doing such a good job, Cho, props to you.

Girl fans: WE HATE YOU CHO CHANG!

Nigel: Yes. I'm perfectly FINE after falling on my FACE, thank you SO MUCH for asking!

- Filtch is such an easy target that Fred and George join in on the fun -

Filtch: -gasp- Candies?! For me?! YAY! SOMEONE DOES CARE!

Fred and George: -snickersnicker-

Filtch: I thought you loved me, Umbridge poopsy - poo!

Umbridge: I will snap their necks like I snapped this wand.

-While Umbridge breaks things, Harry thrives with his new found talent -

Harry: Remind me to thank -

Airborn kid #1: ZOOM!

Harry: - Hermione for -

Airborn kid #2: ZING!

Harry: - talking me into this.

- Filtch and his new cronies follow Luna down the hall -

Luna: skippidy-skip

Filtch: WE GOT HER NOW!

Room of Requirement: Hey, you're not unfortunate students! -changes into a closet-

Mouse: Do you MIND?! I was TRYING to sleep before you came barging in!

- All the while the D.A. are beating up the wooden Death Eater, everyone but Neville of course -

Ginny: SHAZAM!

Wooden Death Eater: -explodes-

Ginny: Ha! Take THAT, Cho Chang!

G/H Shippers: YAY!!

- Soon the Room of Requirement reflects the rapidly approaching Christmas season, and Harry's still got it for Cho -

Ginny: Dammit!

Girl Fans: DAMMIT!

Neville: -finally disarms someone-

Everyone else: -gasps-

Neville: Oh. My. GOD.

The D.A.: YAY! He's good for something!

Harry: Sorry to cut this meeting short, but I have some snogging to attend to right about now.

The D.A.: But - but - but -!

Harry: Y'all scram. NOW!

- Everyone else leaves the room except for Cho and Harry, who have been conveniently left behind -

Cho: Is it wrong that I'm looking at my dead boyfriend's picture before I snog your lips off?

Girl fans: YES, DO DON'T DO IT!!

Harry: No, not at all. It's what he'd want you to do.

Cho: You're so cute.

Harry: -blush-

Cho: Oh just kiss me under the mistletoe before you go and make some corny joke.

Harry: Too late! -smoochiesmooch-

Girl Fans: ACK! IT BURNS!

The kiss: -doesn't stop-

Girl Fans: Jeeze, just eat his face off why don't you?!

Gryffindor Tower

Hermione: We knew what you were doing all along, Harry -

Ron: But don't leave out any details, mmk?

Harry: It was... wet?

Ron: Wet?! WHAT ELSE DID YOU DO?!

Hermione: -goes on a rant about the importance of feelings-

Ron and Harry: -blankstare-

Ron: It was just one kiss..

Hermione: Well you OBVIOUSLY don't have the mental capability to understand!

- The trio then breaks into hysterical, random laughter that was obviously used to heighten the already lifted mood -

Harry's Dream

Snake: Be vewy, vewy quiiieeett! I've been hunting Weasleys!

Mr. Weasley: Why was I given the night watch again?

JKR: Because you're the extra dosage of foreshadowing!

Harry: Like the way my veins pop out of my neck?

Dumbledore's Office

McGonagall: This had better be worth losing sleep over..

Dumbledore: -cold shoulder #s 4, 5 and 6-

Harry: -major flip-out #2-

Snape: Well, as a Christmas bonus, I get to torture Mr. Potter!

Harry: This is SO not how I wanted my Christmas to go.

Grimmauld Place

Muggle kid: YAY! SNOWBALL FIGHT! WHEE!!

Hermione: Apparently Santa does exist in the magical world.

Mrs. Weasley: But I still give the best presents!

Ron: -bites tongue-

Mr. Weasley: I make these bandages look uber-cool.

Harry: So much happiness -twitch-, I don't deserve any of it all.

Mrs. Weasley: HARRY! PRESENTS!

Mr. Weasley: HARRY! TOAST!

Harry: -twitch-

Family Tree Room

Ron: Humph! This sweater makes me look fat!

Hermione: -hysterical laughter-

Kreature: I effin' hate you, Harry Potter.

Sirius: And I effin' hate you, you filthy excuse for a servant.

Kreature: -mumblegrumble-

Sirius: My house and family sucks.

Harry: Wait, you lived here?

Sirius: You know Harry, we're more alike than you think.

Harry: Yeah, only my parents loved me and I never was selfish enough to run away from home.

Sirius: ...

Harry: See, I'm such a bad person.

Sirius: "You're not a bad person. You're a very good person, who bad things have happened to."

Harry: Yeah, yeah, I know..

Sirius: No matter what happens, I promise we'll be a family after the war.

JKR: -evil grin-

Some Correlation In The Halls Of Hogwarts

Harry: Apparently we're on a date?

Cho: You never got me anything for Christmas!

Hermione: OMFG HARRY!

Harry: What?

Hermione: HAGRID!

Harry: What?!

Hermione: HE'S BACK!

Harry: WHAT?!

Hermione: LETS GO!

Harry: OMFG YAY!! -scampers off-

Cho: Oh no you DIDN'T. I WILL have my revenge!

Hargid's Not-Deserted-Anymore Hut

- The trio races happily down to Hagrid's complete with mega-happy music and all, where they notice an unwanted guest has beaten them to it -

Umbridge: Don't test me, I own you.

Hagrid: Oh please, I can sit on you and no one would know the difference.

Umbridge: Gah, fresh air - it's not good enough for my amazing coat. -sprays perfume-

Hagrid: Yeah, I'm happy to see you three too, but I got an amazing, top secret story to tell.

Hermione: OMG TELL US!

- Hagrid tells his amazing story of his escapades with the giants and nurses the bruises and cuts on his face with a steak for some odd reason -

Harry: ...so, what happened to your face?

Hagrid: NO IDEA what you're talking about.

Fang: If that's so, gimme the steak!

Wind: I'm here to warn you all that some drastic emergency is about to take place

Hagrid: While on my trip with the giants, I've turned into a sort of poet. I will now connect the war to the upcoming storm and actually make some sense with it. Shakespeare, eat your heart out.

Azkaban Prison

Azkaban: - is a high security prison that no one can ever break out of -

Sirius: Except for me.

12 Escapees: And us.

Wall: -is breached-

Bellatrix: SWEET FREEDOM!

Fudge: In order to cover our recent blunder, we're blaming the break out on Sirius Black because we don't know what else to do.

Sirius: Yeah, because everything is MY fault.

Bellatrix: Am I angry enough in this picture? I'm not sure.

Hogwarts

Neville: This breakout is going to affect me, I know it.

Hermione: I absolutely loathe immaturity, and Fudge is the most immature prat ever to walk the earth.

Seamus: You know Harry, I've been thinking that maybe you're not a crazy bad guy after all..

Harry: Really?

Seamus: Forgive me?

Harry: Awh, you're Irish accent is just too cute to say no to.

Audience: Erm.. No, not really.

Room Of Requirement

Neville: So yeah, my parents were tortured to death and stuff.

Harry: Oh, so that's why you flipped out during the spider experiment last year.

Neville: You know Harry, we're more alike than you think.

Harry: Why do people keep telling me that?!

Harry: -teaches the D.A. how to produce Patronuses-

Hermione: Didn't Lupin tell you that this kind of magic was too advanced for wizards of our age?

Ron: Yeah, but we're special.

Ginny: My patronus is a horse!

Hermione: Mine's an otter!

Ron: Mine's a bulldog!

Luna: Mine's a snarkakolous!

Everyone else: -blankstare-

Luna: Just kidding, it's a bunny.

Harry: Hey, speaking of animals in the Chinese New Year, where's Cho?

Room of Requirement Door: -SMASH-

Umbridge: Ratting you all out.

Girl fans: WE _TOLD_ YOU SHE WAS NO GOOD, HARRY!

Dumbledore's Office

- Harry is hearded to Dumbledore's office along with Cho to try and talk his way out of this mess -

Umbridge: I LOVE being right.

Harry: It's not what you think!

Dumbledore: Oh, stop being so dramatic when I'm trying to save your ass, Harry.

Fudge: Ha! Haha! I am triumphant! I WIN!

Dumbledore: Not unless you can catch me!

Fawks and Dumbledore: -totally disappear-

Kingsley: I have the best line in the whole movie.

Fudge: -is at a point of mental combustion-

Umbridge's take - over

Umbridge: I love my job.

Filtch: I love my job.

Students: We hate her.

Fred and George: We hate her the most.

Cho: Harry! Please forgive me!

Harry: -total ignorance-

Girl fans: Good man, Harry, good man!

Foggy Bridge

Ron: Isn't it scarey that me and Hermione are starting to dress alike?

Hermione: Harry, don't beat yourself up, it's our fault everyone got in trouble.

Harry: So what's the moral here? That nothing good ever comes from doing good things?

Ron: Life's a bitch, dude.

Harry: Yeah, no shit.

Hagrid: Sorry to interrupt y'all and your brooding but I have something really important to show you.

The Forbidden Forest

Ron: I don't like it in here.. You better not be taking us to a big group of hungry spiders like you did in movie two.

Centaurs: We are angry. And when we're angry we stampede.

Hagrid: See this kind of stuff makes me nervous for him..

The Trio: For who?

Grawp: Hiya.

Ron: ACK! A MONSTER!

Hagrid: He's my kid brother!

The Trio: WTF?!

Hagrid: He's completely harmless!

Grawp: -scoops Hermione up-

Hermione: EEK!!

Ron: Don't worry my love, I'll save you!

Hr/ R fans: YAY!

Ron: -gets kicked over after using the most pathetic method of rescue known to man and wizard kind-

Hr/R fans: -face-palm-

Hermione: With the feministic powers vested in me, I DEMAND you release me this instant!

Grawp; -puts her down-

Ron: I could've done that..

Grawp: -gives Hermione tricycle handlebars-

Harry: Awh look he likes you.

Hermione: -rings bell-

Grawp: Yay!

Ron: -jealous glower-

Hagrid: See, he's not so bad once you get to know him. Wana take care of him?

Ron: NO!!

Harry and Hermione: YES!

Ron: -grumblegrumble-

Occulmency Lesson/Torture

- We find Snape breaking into Harry's mind yet again -

Mirror: -all smiles-

Snape: -ruins the picture-

Harry: I hate you.

Snape: Oh, but this is so much fun! Anyway, this is for your own good - torturing you is just a perk.

Harry: Stay out of my mind!

Snape: Make me!

- Harry does some spell that lets him see Snape' past and how horrible his dad really was-

Snape: Oh, the humanity...

Harry: Shit, he's gonna kill me.

Snape: Not unless you run really, really fast.

- Harry scurries away to find Fred and George comforting a little boy just coming out of Umbridge's detention -

Umbridge: He deserved it, he said I was ugly.

Fred: That's it, I've had enough.

George: She's getting it tomorrow.

Tomorrow (O.W.L.s)

Harry: There's nothing more distracting then a gigantic pendulum swinging back and forth while you're trying to take a test.

Hermione: I know exactly what I'm doing!

Ron: I have no clue what I'm doing..

Something: -bangs outside-

Umbridge: A ruckus during my test? I don't think so - whoever it is, is getting a detention.

Small Firework: Just try it, you old hag.

- Fred and George go whizzing by, causing mayhem and destruction while fireworks crackle around the room -

Fred: ANARCHY!!

George: REBELLION!!

Ron: Ooh, pretty sparkles..

Umbridge: - is completely flabbergasted -

Dragon Firework: Hm, you look tasty.

Umbridge: Eek!! Stay away from me! Don't make me unleash my kittens on you!

Firework: - CHOMP -

The firework's explosion: -somehow manages to destroy all Umbridge's decrees and they all tumble off the wall, dripping with symbolism in their wake-

Fred and George: Leave the classroom, kids, the real show is outside!

The overjoyed students: - rush outside and cheer on the twins for finally doing what they could only dream of -

Harry: This is all so very exciting! Nothing can bring me down now!

Voldemort: Ooohhh Harrrryyyyyyyy... Guess who didn't close their miiiiiiinnnnnnddddd?

Harry: Oh dash it all.

The vision: -shows Voldemort torturing Sirius-

Hermione: You ok, buddy?

Harry: HELL NO, I'M GOING TO KILL THAT BASTARD FOR TAKING THE ONLY FAMILY I'VE GOT LEFT!

The Grand Staircase

Hermione: Before we go bursting through the Ministry, let's think this whole thing through. There has to be a highly logical explanation to why you had this vision.

Harry: Yeah, duh, it's a warning.

Hermione: Well logically -

Harry: I don't care about being logical at the moment.

Hermione: So basically you're going to go balls first into certain danger without a plan or anything thought out?

Harry: Yeah, basically.

Ron: Bless him, he's doing it for love.

Umbridge's Sickeningly Pink Office of Doom

Ron: WHOA! How did we change clothes so fast?!

Hermione: HIGHLY illogical to use Umbridge's fire..

Kitten #1: OOOH!! I'M TELLING ON YOU!!

Ron: Ok, so who's going first?

Harry: I'M the only one going, it's too dangerous for the two of you.

Ron: Oh hell no, we did not just go through four years of adventures with you to be left out of this one.

Hermione: Yeah, you had all the fun alone in the Tournament last year.

Ron: You're stuck with us now.

Umbridge: HA! CAUGHT YOU!

Hermione: Oh unicorn turds.

- Members of the Inquisitorial Squad bring in Luna, Neville and Ginny, who were somehow knew exactly when to cause a distraction -

Umbridge: Time for good cop, bad cop.

Harry: Do I get a choice?

Umbridge: -major slapage-

Ginny: I will tear you to shreds, woman.

Snape: Aw man, you're having all the fun.

Umbridge: Would be more fun if you had some truth potion on you.

Snape: Sorry, fresh out remember? You used the last of it on Potter's snogging buddy.

Harry: Dammit..

Snape: I'll pay you to poison him though.

Harry: Screw you too, go deliver my cleverly coded message to the Order so they can come to the rescue during the climax, mmk?

Umbridge: Wha -?

Snape: NO IDEA what he's talking about. I'll be leaving now.

Ron: Nice going, dipshit.

Umbridge: I'm sick of this crap, it's time to do what I should have done a long time ago -

Ron: Get laid?

Umbridge: TORTURE!

Harry: ...erm, isn't that what you've been doing all year?

Hermione: Shut it, Harry, I'm having an ingenious brain wave that could possibly get us out of this mess!

Umbridge: Really?

Harry: Really?

Everyone else: Really?

Hermione: Follow us to the forest, professor!

Harry: Oh crap, she isn't..

The Forbidden Forest

Harry: Crap, she is.

Hermione: Don't worry, Harry! This is a completely brilliant plan! I've thought it through completely and thoroughly!

Umbridge: YOU TRICKED ME! THERE'S NOTING HERE! I SMITE YOU CHILDREN!

Centares: Not if we have anything to say about it!

Umbridge: ACK! DEMONS! I SMITE _YOU_!

Random Centare: -gurglechoke-

Centares: WE KEEL YOU DEAD, EVIL PINK PUFF!

Grawp: I heard a ruckus.

Centares: MONSTER! WE KEEL YOU TOO!

Hermione: NO! HE'S JUST A KID!

Harry: You see, this is what you get for thinking things through. Lets get out of here before you get us into deeper shit.

Not-Foggy-Or-Snowy-Anymore Bridge

Harry: We escaped!

Ron: We did too!

Hermione: How'd you manage that?

Ron: Ginny is pretty much amazing.

Ginny: And I'm so much prettier than Cho -nudgenudge-

Girl Fans: Don't make us hate you too.

Hermione: So how are we getting to London?

Harry: How many times do I have to say I'm going alone?

Ron: And how many times do we have to say get over it?

Hermione: We're all in this together, remember?

Ron: Now hurry up and lets go before Hermione breaks out into High School Musical.

Harry: But there's still the issue of GETTING to London.

Luna: I believe the answer is pudding.

Everyone else: -blankstare-

Luna: It told me we could fly on some of the Thestrils frolicking about the forest.

Everyone else: The who?

Harry: OMG YOU'RE A GENIUS!

- The kids fly to London on the Thestrils and make it to London by nightfall. From there, they manage to sneak past security into the Department of Mysteries -

Department Of Mysteries

David Yates: Due to the power and limits of cinamantography, we've cut out nearly 3/4 of the Department of Mysteries scene.

Fans: BOOO!! WE HATE YOU DAVID YATES !!

Harry: Either way, they did a splendid job creating the Hall of Prophecies.

Hermione: Speaking of that, aren't we here for some godfather of yours in mortal peril?

Harry: Oh yeah! -runs down to row 98-

Sirius: -is not there-

Harry: WTF?!

Hermione: I TOLD YOU IT WAS A SET UP!

Harry: Oh, I get it, I'm on Punked, right?

Neville: Well I don't know about that, but this here orb thingy has your name on it.

Prophecy: I'm just radiating with foreshadowing.

Lucious Malfoy: Knew you'd fall for it.

Harry: You!

Lucious: Yeah, you've been punked, but you're not meeting Kutcher and there's no hidden cameras.

Harry: Oh darn, I wanted to meet Ashton..

Lucious: Gimme the prophecy. Now

Harry: The what?

Bellatix: Peek-a-boo.

Neville: WENCH! I KILL YOU!

Bellatix: I'm barking mad, you don't want to mess with me.

Lucious: Besides, we don't wanna hurt the Prophecy.

Harry: What's this thing you keep mentioning?

Lucious: You're holding it, stupid.

Harry: Oh this glass thingy? Is it special?

Lucious: Nope, not at all. It just holds the secrets to your past and the possible outcome of your future, it's not special at all.

Harry: Really?

Lucious: Yeah, so gimme it.

Harry: No.

Lucious: Gimme!

Harry: No!

Lucious: GIMME!

Harry: NO!

Lucious: Ok, fine, we'll just forcibly take it from you.

Harry: Psh, yeah right, there are six of us and two of you.

Other Death Eaters: Not really.

Ron: Oh man, we're all going to die!

Harry: Not on my watch!

All the kids: -preform lotsa spells to dismantle their enemies-

Harry: Lets move it along, shall we?!

Hermione: Split up, we'll lose them faster!

Lucious: They've split up! We can kill them faster!

Death Eaters: I hate blondes. -punch-

Luna: You're not pudding! -twack-

Neville: -actually does a spell right-

Luna: Good job, you'll get some pudding later.

Death Eater: Haha! I can run faster than Harry Potter!

Harry: -stabs eyes out-

Ron: Fear not my love! I'll stop -

Hermione: -covers the Death Eaters in a shower of Prophecies-

Ron: That's the 3rd time in this movie that you've one-upped me!

Hermione: Really? Score! New record!

The kids: -collide-

Death Eaters: YOU!!

Ginny: SHAZAM!!

- Ginny's spell succeeds in stopping the Death Eaters, but creates a tidal wave of glass -

Ginny: Hm. That didn't work out quite as I planned it.

Ron and Luna: Oh.. Pretty..

Harry: Yeah it's pretty, but it's going to kill us if we don't move like right now.

The Kids: -flee-

Door: Run through me! I lead to safety!

The Kids: -run through the door and fall to a seemingly bottomless pit-

The Door: Ha! Suckers!

Ron: OMFG, WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!

Something Magicalish: -stops them before they hit the floor-

Ron: Jeeze..They could've let us know this place was mysterious..

Archway: Hey, I'm safe too!

Harry: I hear dead people...

Luna: Me too..

Hermione: No you don't! It's just a trick of your subconscious minds!

Harry and Luna: ...

Hermione: We SHOULD be using the little time we have left constructively, like - oh I don't know - FINDING A WAY OUT, PERCHANCE?

Harry and Luna: ...

Hermione: Or we could just sit here and let them come kill us.

Death Eaters: We chose that one!

Harry: All 5 of you get behind me! I'll save you all by using my body as a protective shield!

Death Eaters: -swipes everyone but Harry into the shadows-

Harry: Damn.. Didn't think that through..

Malfoy: So it's either the glass thing or your friends.

Ron: YOU BETTER NOT LET ME DIE, HARRY!

Neville: Protect your dignity! Die with honor!

Harry: Screw that, it's just a glass thing anyway, how important can it be?

Mr. Malfoy: VICTORY!!

The Order: Not quite.

- Just in the nick of time, members of the Order appear in bursts of shiny symbolism -

Tonks: Psh. My appearance is too good for this movie.

- The Order commences in a full blown battle with the Death Eaters while all of the kids scamper to safety. Lucious is a clumsy fool and smashes the Prophecy -

Lucious: Curses!

Harry: I want to fight with my godfather!

Sirius: Oh why not, it may be the last time we fight together. -winkwink-

Mr. Malfoy: DIE!

Sirius: No way!

Harry: Hooray!

Bellatrix: Time for me to kill the happiness!

Sirius: Oh dash it all, in my moment of glory too. -dies-

David Yates: No, the sound isn't broken, the creative team decided depressing music was better fitting for this moment in Potter history.

- Harry cries for Sirius and runs off to wreak his revenge on Bellatrix -

Bellatrix: Him?! Psh, yeah right.

Harry: I KEEL YOU DEAD, WOMAN!

Voldemort: Do it, do it, do it! You know you want to!

Harry: Gah! -twitch- I don't take well to peer pressure!

Voldemort: Dooooooooo itttttttttttttt...

Harry: I won't give in!

Voldemort: Here I thought you were smarter than that.

Dumbledore: That's what I thought.

Voldemort: Ack! You! Die!

Dumbledore: Bite me.

Voldemort: I'll hold you to that.

- Dumbledore and Voldemort show of their stuff in a cornucopia of fantastic CGI -

Dumbledore: -zippidyzap-

Voldemort: -cracklesnap-

Bellatrix: That's my cue to skedaddle.

Dumbledore: Magical tug-of-war! Whoever doesn't die wins!

Harry: I really should run, but this piece of floor is just so darn comfy.

Voldemort: It's electrifying what I can do to walls!

Harry: -is almost zapped-

Dumbledore: That's cheating!

Voldemort: Yeah, but this is an accident. -breaths fiery snake of doom-

Harry: Dude, breath mint?

Fire snake: Do you want your Dumbledore medium or well done?

Dumbledore: Sorry, vegan here. -slashkill-

Voldemort: -seethingglare-

Dumbledore: -encloses Voldemort in a nifty ball of water-

Harry: Awesome! Lemme try!

Dumbledore: Get back, you fool!

Voldemort: -escapes the ball o' water while Dumbledore's distracted and batters him down with black smoke-

Dumbledore: Not to worry! I've got everything COMPLETELY under control!

Voldemort: HEAR ME ROAR!!

- Voldemort's scream is so high pitched that it breaks the glass lanterns hanging around them -

Fudge's portrait: -is torn to shreds-

Harry: There's symbolism in that somewhere..

Voldemort: -creates a tidal wave of glass-

Harry: OH SHI -!

Dumbledore: -creates a shield that turns the glass into dust-

Voldemort: This displeases me.

Dumbledore: What now, punk?

Voldemort: You are so mean, I'm gonna go home and cry under the covers! -vanish-

Harry: Hooray! We -

Dumbledore: Voldemort doesn't cry, he's up to something.

Harry: Hey professor, wanna see my worm?

Dumbledore: That bastard!

Harry: Hey fans, you'll love this part - BEHOLD a collogue of my more depressing moments in all five of the movies!

Fans: Wait.. So he's dying?

Harry: ACK! MY BEAUTIFUL FACE! WHAT HAS HE DONE TO MY BEAUTIFUL FACE?!

Voldemort: What?! Are you crazy? My face is flawless!

The kids: We heard a ruckus.

Harry: You all stayed!

The kids: Dur, we weren't going to let you have all the fun.

Harry: You all make me so darn happy that I think I'll treat the audience to another collogue - this time of my happier moments!

Fans: YAY!!

Harry: Suck it, Voldy, I have friends and you don't!

Voldemort: Whatever, I don't need friends.

The Ministry: We heard a ruckus too.

Voldemort: Oop, time to go!

Fudge: Eek! It seems I have made a small miscalculation.

Audience: DUR!!

- An array of newspaper pictures and headlines show Harry and Dumbledore getting their good names back, Fudge and Umbridge getting the sack, and finally the announcement of Voldemort's return -

Audience: Well it's about bloody time!

Harry: It's the end of the movie and I'm still brooding.

Dumbledore: I feel your pain, bro.

Harry: Oh shut up.

Dumbledore: Before I do, let me put all the blame on me for your unhappiness.

Harry: Aw, you're too sweet.

Dumbledore: You do know that in the final climax of the 8th movie, you have to either kill or be killed right?

Harry: What?

Dumbledore: Welcome to the jungle, kiddo.

Harry: Wait.. 8 movies?

Dumbledore: Yeah, the scriptwriters decided the 7th book is too long for 1 movie.

Harry: Eh, I don't mind, I'm getting paid to do this job.

Fans: -REJOICE-

Halls of Hogwarts

- Hogwarts has been turned back into it's warty self and the color pink has been banned from all areas of the castle -

Filtch: -glowerglowerglare-

Harry: I must say, the news of an extra movie has distinguished my brooding temporarily.

Luna: I have so many good friends! They play hide and seek with my stuff!

Harry: -blankstare-

Luna: It's going to take a lot of pudding to find them all though.

Harry: Want some help from the local hero?

Luna: Nah, I'm a big girl now, I can do things by myself. I'm sorry that your godfather got sucked into that silver arch thing by the way. Took me a while to understand he died.

First-timers: Wait, he died?!

Harry: Aw, that's what I've wanted to hear all along.

Luna: I'm actually really mature when you get to know me.

Harry: So mature that you can hold my hand without repercussions?

Luna: Pretty much.

Harry: This is the part where I'm supposed to take "pity" on you, but I don't think that's what the writers were going for.

Luna: No, they're trying to let the audience know that we've come to a mutual understanding of each other, while connecting my lost shoes to things you can't quite see until you're really looking.

Harry: Like pudding?

Luna: PUDDING!!

Harry: She may be an oddball, but I really like her.

Girl fans: Ugh, WONDERFUL, now we have to worry about her too?!

Harry: Don't worry, JK says I end up with Ginny for sure.

Girl Fans: DAMMIT!!

The Hogwarts Express

Ron: How cool are we to have a train IN the woods?

Harry: So what's everyone's goals for next year? I'll strive to not be as bitterly depressed as I was this year!

Hermione: I'll try to get a boyfriend! -nudgenudge-

Hr/R Shippers: YAY!!

Ron: I'll officially learn how to snog!

Malfoy: I'll have more lines!

Ginny: I'll be too sexy to resist.

Neville: I'll try growing up a little bit more!

Luna: I'm gonna try to get off of pudding, but for some reason I think it's going to be a running joke.

Harry: All in all, we've got some good times to look forward to, and -

Hermione: Oh save it, 99.9 of the audience has read the books, they know we win in the end.

Harry: Yeah, you're right. Lets just be best buds and walk happily on the train.

David Yates: I shall win the academy award!!

JKR: What do you think this is, Lord of the Rings?

Fans: Yay! It's over! Let's go see it in IMAX!

Harry: Pst! I hear December Boys is playing in theater 2 if you wanna make a pit-stop!

- FIN -


End file.
